Aed jokes
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. For example, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry.
A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.
A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
Why are people in Japan always skinny?
Because last time there was a "Fat Man", a whole city disappeared.
What do you call it when a Mexican and a pedophile fight?
Alien vs Predator.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me.
ok this isn't a joke but it's funny.
Roses are red, nuts are brown, Skirts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in. It goes in dry, comes out wet, the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag, It's not what you think, it's a lipton tea bag.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
What's the difference between a Catholic hospital and Michael Jackson's Children's Hospital?
No seriously, what is it?
Why did the coffee file a police report? -- Because it was mugged.
My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?
One's got hope in her soul, the other's got soap in her hole.
What do you call a train with bubble gum?
A chew chew train.
Oh man, I'm depressed.
My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.
when you don't have a phone to play Fruit Ninja and improvise.
How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?
When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.
My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"
What does a cannibal and a spider have in common?
Both have eight legs.
What do you call a Chinese man with a camera?
Phill Ming.