when you don't have a phone to play fruit ninja and improvise
Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!
What do you call a Chinese man with a camera?
Phill ming
What does a cannibal and a spider have in common? Both eight legs
My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said You better comeback with a goddamn sandwich
What do you call a single bisexual? All bi myself.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"
Stephen hawkings is such a bad role model for our kids
He only ever looks one way when crossing the street
You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize your in a crematorium.
So a kid walks in the house and says: " mommy, mommy, I found daddy". And the mother says: " stop digging around in the garden, and let you Father rest in peace.
Nobody Literally nobody Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven
Q. What is the difference between a normal kid and a emo kid A. The Phrase Jump Rope mean to different things
How many screws does it take to construct a lesbians bed? None, it's all tongue and groove...
I'm a Model. my doctor asked me to make an acronym for POST because I post pictures on Instagram. (Trying to) P-ut O-ff Suicidal T-houghts
Today was a bad day, their was a man throwing butter and cheese at me, how dairy
I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.
Wanna hear a terrible Joke?
Paper
Pretty tear-able, huh?
What’s the only time you can do almost whatever you want
When you have a gun in you hand
Once I saw A girl crying and asked where are your parents; God I love working at orphanages.
So I hooked up with a girl at a party, but I forgot that it was a family reunion. (SWEET HOME ALABAMA STARTS PLAYING
