Aed jokes

Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?

A: My dad didn't beat cancer...

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

A friend asked me, "Where are you going?"

I answered, "6 feet underground."

Me and a person downtown.

Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.

Me: I guess so.

Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?

Me: I don't know. I used to, but don't anymore.

Person: Why'd you stop?

Me: Unfortunately, I lived every time I'd try something.

What’s the hardest thing about being a rapist? Fitting in.

Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.

A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.

Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"

Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.

My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.

She was eaten by a giant crab.

Why do orphans hate going to Costco? Because they need a parent to get samples.

Your hairline is so bad, the cops had to do a breathalyzer test on your barber.

A cemetery should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.

A teacher asked his students a math question.

"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?"

After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front.

"One dollar!" she said.

What is the difference between a feminist and a female prostitute? If you want a female prostitute to be a bitch, you have to give her money first.

What's the difference between a school and an ISIS military base? Don't ask me, I only fly the drone.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

How many screws does it take to construct a lesbian's bed?

None, it's all tongue and groove...

I’d tell a sodium and hydrogen pun, but NaH.

An apple and an emo kid fall off a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

The apple, because the emo kid got caught by the rope.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

Will glass coffins be a success? -- Remains to be seen.

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. For example, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry.