Resuscitation jokes

911, what's your emergency?

Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.

Well, it's not a living room anymore.

Me: Hangs up.

I was at the bar late last night when a waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?" I said, "Shit, I know all the letters of the alphabet." Everyone laughed, well, except for this one guy.

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me when he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

What is the easiest line to draw in the hospital?

My heartbeat.

A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:

"I have good news and bad news."

The wife said: "What's the good news?"

"We managed to save his arm."

"What's the bad news?"

"We couldn't save the rest of him."

I was at a restaurant and a waitress yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said, "I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed and laughed, well, everyone except one.