Aed jokes
I like my people how I like my tea...
In a bag under water.
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
Depresso espresso.
Nah, just kidding, it's bleach.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Q: Why can't science be combined with religion?
A: 'Cause science creates skyscrapers and planes, while religion combines them.
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
I'm a mushroom and I hate this game.
I'm doing a charity bungee jump for the local disabled.
It's called "spastics on elastics."
Q: What did one emo kid say to the other emo kid?
A: Wanna hang out?
What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?
One of them knows the definition of no.
What does it mean when a man has a dodgy past? It means he has skeletons in his closet.
What does it mean when a man likes Lana Del Rey better than Ed Sheeran? It means he has a closet full of women's leather pants (but no women in their dating history).
If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?
Friend: Hey, wanna play hide and seek? Me: Sure, I've got a great spot! Me: *grabs knife and runs to my closet*
Gays: "I like men."
Straight: "I like women."
Bisexual: "A hole is a hole."
What do you call a blind dinosaur? Do-you-think-he-saurus.
Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it's solved then there's a little Asian in there.
There was a kidnapping at school.
Don't worry, he woke up.
- Mommy, I want a bicycle!
- Shut up, Sam! You've already got your wheelchair!
What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."
What's a suicidal person's favorite game?
Hangman.
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"