How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They gave her a cheese grater and told her it was a book.
Shower thoughts
@showerthoughts
Used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask...
Yet here I am, stuck at home in this COVID-19 "Thriller," beating it...
Roses are red, potato chips are savory...
The United States prison system is legalized slavery.
I wanted to tell a joke about Jonestown.
But the punch line is too long.
What would Bill Cosby be if he was white?
Innocent.
When you find out your wife had a miscarriage,
So you start singing "It’s the best day ever!"
Science can fly you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.
Why don't orphans get offended by dark humour? Because it can't hit home
Welcome to Dave’s orphanage. You make it, we take it.
What is the difference between a hipster and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they do not live in a swing state.
Why did Joe Biden pull out of the Afghanistan war?
Because it was over 18 years old.
Jesus tried solving the Rubik's cube,
but died on the cross.
What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.
When does a cub become a Boy Scout?
When he eats his first brownie.
What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is usually a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
What's the difference between a baby and a salad? Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.
Q: Do you know why transgender people are good at being carpenters? A: Because they have more experience cutting off their wood
Roses are red, don’t touch the toys, these are what the priests use to lure in the boys.
What do you do when your cat's dead?
Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.