Why do you Scotchmen wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear zipper from a mile away
Shower thoughts
@showerthoughts
What’s the difference between video games and my dad?
My dad doesn’t beat me.
I got a part in a movie called "Cocaine." I only have one line.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing, and I asked if they were gay. They quickly arrested me.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
If Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden are in a boat and it capsizes, who survives? America.
You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb!
A woman's age is harder to get than the President's phone number.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
Talking to a liberal is like trying to explain social media to a 70-year-old.
Joe Biden walks into the White House kitchen. "Are those brownies, I smell?", he asks. "Indeed, they are.", he was told. "Gee", he says, "they smell nothing like Girl Scouts."
You know how Joe Biden is happy?
When he is rubbing a little girls' shoulders and eating ice cream.
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!”
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!”
Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?”
What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.
How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?
Give them a Sandy Hook.
What do you call a group of Alabama superheroes?
The Incredibles.
Why is Hitler better than Biden?
Because Hitler gave his people gas for free.
What do you get if you cross a loaf of bread with a vagina?
A yeast infection.
A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners The lady says, "Come Again!" The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."