Scottish jokes

Why do you Scotchmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

How did the Scottish man find the sheep in the tall grass?

Satisfying.

Did you hear about the Scottish man who murdered his wife?

He totally kilt her.

One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.

When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.

Serves him right.

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.

What borders on stupidity?

Scotland and the EU.

A Scotsman at the hairdresser: "How much is a haircut?"

"Six pounds."

"And shaving?"

"Three pounds."

"Good, then shave my head."

How do you stun a Scotsman?

Ask them to say "purple burglar alarm".

The nearest approximation to a perpetuum mobile would be a Swabian chasing a Scot because of money.

(Swabians are the Scots of Germany regarding finances.)

What do you call a Scottish Muslim with drug problems?

(Said in a Scottish accent) "Amaffmaheed."