Shower thoughts

I just encountered a father and son moment over some milk.

The dad finally came back with the milk!

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.

I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."

If you're in Alabama family reunions are basically speed dating events.

Do you ever look at a person and think, "Just how many generations of inbreeding did it take to create you?"

What’s the best part about plowing your cousin?

-It makes your sister jealous

Why can't science be combined with religion?

Because science creates skyscrapers and planes, while religion combines them.

What does weed and the Carolina Panthers have in common?

They both get smoked in bowls.

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

They both like cracking open a cold one.

What do you get when you mix alcohol with literature?

Tequila Mockingbird.

What did the drunk emo say to the bartender?

Nothing, she was hung over.

A blind man walks into a woman's bar and asks the person next to him if she would like to hear a blonde joke. The woman says, "Before you tell your joke, you should know the bartender is blonde and has a shotgun, the bouncer is blonde and has a baseball bat, the two playing music are blonde and have pistols. Do you still want to tell that joke, cowboy?" He thought for a second and said, "Not if I have to explain it five times."

A blonde crashed a helicopter. A police officer asked her what happened. She says, "It got cold so I turned off the fan."

Wanna play dolls?

I can be Ken, and you can be the box I come in.

I have to file a complaint against Spotify because I didn’t see you on my hot singles last week.

I’m really good at algebra. I can replace your X without even asking Y.

Damn boy, you must be Nick Cannon because you don’t know when or how to stop.

I read the chapter of numbers, but nowhere did I ever see your number.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I have five fingers, two of them are for you.

My sister is so stupid, she thought LBJ was a blow job.