
Heroin Monkey
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I've never had a lentil on my face.
Why should you wrap your hamsters in duct tape?
So they don't explode when you f*** them.
If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.
Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.
If the UK is 6 hours ahead of us, why didn't they just warn us about 9/11?
I went to the pharmacy the other day. I tried to buy a pack of condoms, but I pretended I didn't have enough money to mess with the cashier.
I went back into the aisles of the store, got a pack of rubber bands and plastic wrap, bought them, and walked out. I loved the look on the cashier's face when they saw my decision.
What's the difference between Kobe Bryant and Jeffrey Epstein?
Only 2 13-year-olds went down on Kobe's helicopter.
Minimalism is a scam created by Big Small to sell more less.
The highest level of trust in the world is when two cannibals are each giving each other blowjobs.
what do you call an emo person who's not depressed?
dead.
my son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
why did i give an orphan the iphone X? because it is the first one without a home button.
bob has no arms knock knock, whos there, its not bob.
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.
The priest is in jail now.
Why can't there be a gay disabled person?
Because a fruit can't be the same as a vegetable.