Why was it so hard for the pirate to call his mom? Because she left the phone off the hook!
GG Miller
If you're that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution.
My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.
Why do some couples go to the gym together?
Because they want their relationship to work out.
My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.
Silence is golden. Unless you have kids, then silence is suspicious.
My mom told me a joke about boxing.
I guess I missed the punch line.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.
Note to all moms of teens, keep a dog. That way, someone is excited to see you!
What's it like to have the best daughter in the world? You'll have to ask grandma!
Why was the leper hockey game canceled?
It was because of a face-off in the corner.
Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
"I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date.
"That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?"
"I'm a butcher," he says.
What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn’t opened her present yet
What do you call inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.
What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.