Worst Jokes Ever
Me: Help, I'm stuck in a trap.
Friend: What kind?
Me: It's called life. Yeah, I've been trying to get out of it for six years now, it just won't let me go.
Friend: That's not funny..
Me: Yeah? Nor is wanting to die, yet I'm still over here laughing every time I try to.
Friend: I'm calling your mom.
Me: She knows.
Friend: What's she doing to help, then?
Me: She's supposed to help?
Friend: Have you told your dad?
Me: I will when he comes back.
Friend: Where is he?
Me: I don't know, he's been gone for 15 years.
Friend: ....
Me: What?
Friend: Why?
Me: Why what?
Friend: Why would you joke like that?
Me: I was joking..
Friend: I know.
Me: Oh. I didn't know.
Friend:...
Me: Have a nice day, I'll see you tomorrow... Maybe...
What music scares balloons?
Pop music.
Why would the banana scream "ouch?"
Because it is getting peeled.
What is Stephen Hawking's mum?
Your mum!
Think about you are so fucking high that you are walking to a lift and inside the lift are stairs. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Test.
What did Columbus use to cross the ocean?
He used a bus.
Campbell.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they can’t run home.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
What is black and white and red all over? A newspaper.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
Why do orphans only buy iPhone XS?
Because it has a home button.
Where do sex addicts go when they need to talk? Hoe-and-Tell.
Why don't gay Greek men in Greece perform anilingus on each other?
Because anilingus between two gay men is against the law in Greece.
My grandfather tells me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
The other day a squirrel asked me for a job. I asked him, "What jobs did you have previously?"
Calmly he answered, "I am a pilot. I can pick it up from here and pile it over there. I also can fly a sign!"
"Too bad, this is a nut cannery, and we're 100% automated. We don't need anyone at this time, sorry."
"No worries, I'm totally nuts anyway. Guess I'll fly a sign across town, don't have bus fare!"
How many squirrels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but how they got in there's the real mystery!
Hi, how are you? Busy doing today? Did I have to text more today after dinner? I did text, and you have been to the vet and walk walk home from home and walk walk home 🏠. Night is so nice 👍. I did not walk away, but you don’t want me to text me to let you know when I get home, can you walk?
I did a walk today, but I did have a good day. Tomorrow night, I...
Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted me and my dad and walk home from home and walk home and walk walk home.
I love my dog and all dogs.