Worst Jokes Ever
America is filled with MAYO MONKEYS (you could make a mayo sandwich!).
I gotta do terrorist :)
Why did the orphan cross the road?
His parents were on the other side!
Interviewer: Hey JFK, what’s your favorite song by Jessie J?
JFK: I er ah Bang Bang.
Two nuns walk into a liquor store, and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.
The clerk replied, "Heck no sister, you nuns aren't supposed to drink that stuff!" The nun said, "Well my son, it is not for us, you see, it is for Mother Teresa," then the nun whispers, "She has the constipation."
The clerk said, "Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have." The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave. A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled, he goes over to them and says, "You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!"
One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says "You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!"
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"
"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.
The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."
Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
What do you call a once that's an insect?
A creepy crawly.
Why don’t you get a book about how to commit suicide?
Because you won’t bring it back afterwards.
Why are orphans so lucky?
Every crisp packet is family sized.
Your hairline is so far back you look like Frankenstein.
Me: "Oh man, things are really happening for me! I have so much to do!"
Depression: "Lie in bed."
You ever had sex with a woman that is so fat, it counted as a threesome?
What can't an orphan spell?
Home.
Little Johnny got detention because when he was walking to lunch, he saw a bowl of apples and there was a note on it that said, "Take 1, God is watching." He continued walking and saw a bowl of cookies that said, "Take 1, please." So little Johnny made his own note and he wrote, "Take as many cookies as you want, God is watching the apples."
A man saw a kid on the road, and the man asked: "Where are your parents?" The boy: "..." The man left the adoption center.
What happened when the emo went through the self-checkout?
Two beeps went off.
Deez nuts!
Why don't orphans play baseball?
Because they can't run home.
I told a joke to a guy who had jumped off a bridge... He was in bits! 🤣🤦♂️
I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.