Yours jokes
Person 1: How the freak did you get in my house?!?! I locked the door!!!
Person 2: But I'm your mom... I have a key. You dumbass.
Your own life, hah!
EU Delegate: "Sir, your country has the highest corruption and crime rate out of any other member nations. What do you have to say?" Ambassador: *tries slipping the delegate 40 Euros* "You didn't see any statistics."
"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me." "What was your first impression on him?" "I told him, she calls me daddy too."
The point of war is not to die for your country, but to make the fresh recruit on the enemy's side die for his.
"You're da bomb!" "No, you're da bomb!"
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?
Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.
If your boyfriend doesn't get your fruit puns, you got to let that mango.
My dick said that your ass is having a boner.
Your daddy must be a drug dealer, because you're dope.
A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordon Ramsay's F-king cooking show!
Husband: "Stop watching that f-king sh*t! You can't cook to save your life!"
Wife: "So what?! You watch porn, don't you?!"
What’s the similarity between your uncle and your hands?
They can both do dirty things.
I'll never forget my brother's last words: "Why is there a revolver in your hand?"
The Man: "Sonny, why do you come to get some milk every day?"
The Son: "Because milk is important."
The Man: "Why don't you ever come with your mom?"
The Boy: "Who?"
The Man: "Your mom?"
The Boy: "I don't have a mom."
The Man: "I'm sorry for your loss."
The boy stared for a moment when two men came out of the vehicle and picked up the boy.
I know people don’t really like cat puns, but mine are PURRety good.
Did you CATch that one? No? Because you are in a bad mood? You should WISKER those feelings away. We should PAWnder ways to fix your mood. Just remember to keep CLAWing at the problem. I am glad I can help MEW.
Where is the worst place to lock your keys in your car?
The anti-abortion clinic because you have to go back in and ask for a coat hanger.
What did the sand say when it got into a fight with the ocean?
"Oh my God, you're such a beach!"
A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."
The greatest bond you will ever have is the one with your conjoined twin.
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
Take your foot off its head.