Your Mum jokes
Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.
"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.
"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.
And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."
A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,
"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."
To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."
To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"
What's the similarity between your mum and West Ham?
Your mum blows spunk bubbles from her ass.
What is saw and bleeding and covered in bruises?
Your mum.
The average Irish person consumes 131.1 litres of beer, almost as much as your mum at night.
Your mum is gay; her name is Rachel.
Your mum is so fat, I had to take 2 buses and a train to get to her good side.
Your mum was so poor that she went to rob the bank, but she left because she couldn't find the cameras. She left her son, and the security [girl] gave him the camera.
Your mum sat on a phone, and she turned it into a pancake.
What do you call your mom?
Basement bound.
Why didn't the orphan do the work?
Because when the teacher says they would call your mum or dad, there's nobody to call.
What is a queef?
Something your mum did in bed last night. 😩😩😩🍑🍑🍑🌬️🌬️🌬️🌪️🌪️🌪️
You're at a funeral. Your mum says be quiet, so you snigger at the body and say, "Bye forever, bitch."
Your mom is so ugly that when she went to rob a bank, they had to turn the cameras off.
Your mum sunk in the pool because she had a big butt.
Where do you find an orphan? Just look for your mum.
I fiddled your mum last night, she fucking moaned like a fucking wilder beast.
Your mum lolololollollollololollolololllol! Find her reboot card lmfao lolololol.
Why did the ground crack? Because of your mum!
Son: Dad, how was I born?
Dad: Your mum's a hoe.
Son: OK, what's a hoe?
Dad: Your mum.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
You tell him, "Clap your hands until your mom comes."