You jokes

Your hairline retreats from your face just like all the guys that look at you.

Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.

Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏

Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

"You wanna play the rape game?" "No." "That's the spirit!"

What do us emos all have in common?

Depression. Anxiety. The sole desire to just start saying you wanna kys right out of the blue a lot and saying "I CAN'T WAIT TO JUMP OF THAT BUILDING SOON!" and other people say, "Idgaf, do it, all of us would be happy."

If you leave your small children inside a shower with Kelly Clarkson, you're a filthy parent.

What does broccoli and sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’re gonna hate it as an adult.

Me: Do you eat your cereal with water? You: No, why? Me: 'Cause your dad never came back with the milk!

What do you call a rapper who LOVES winter sports?

Ice Cube.

What do you call it when Panera Bread decapitates someone?

Panera Behead.

What do you call it when someone lies to Panera Bread?

Panera misled.

What do you call it when you choose Panera Bread over something else?

Panera instead.

What do you call it when Panera Bread commits genocide?

Panera bloodshed.

What do you call it when Panera Bread goes to space?

Good question.

If you've spent less time inside your mother than your father has, you just might be from Alabama!

One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."

Scientists say a banana a day is great for the colon.

But you gotta eat it!

What do you get when you cross a butt with a phone?

A booty call.

What do you call a booty that’s always negative?

A pessimist-cheek.

What did the booty say to the chair?

"You complete me!"

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”