What does a man have 3 of, which a girl only has 2 of?
Legs.
Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.
Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."
Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?
Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.
POV: Her name is Alli.
What were my final words to Putin before I put a bullet through his head?
Answer: Putin, put out!
What do you call a rabbit with a big ass?
A BUNny.
How do you say "fish" without the "i"?
Fsh
What's the opposite of Jason?
Jasister.
A guy gets home from work to see his girlfriend packing, and he asks her why she is packing. The girl says, "Because I found out you're a pedophile." The guy goes, "A pedophile?" And she says, "Yes." The guy goes, "That's a big word for a 12-year-old."
You can't spell "Funeral" without "fun."
What was Michael Jackson's favorite word to say to parents and tabloids? "Leave me alone."
What is long, hard and has cum in it? Cucumber.
What is a 3 letter word that starts with S ends with X and has a vowel? Six.
SOOOO my sister said her first bad word yesterday. "Shit." My mum was like, "What did you just say, child?"
Sister: "I said the cat shits inside like the dog shi- uh oh......"
Now I've avoided this stuff by making my own word: Sugarplum. Sugarplum = shit...
My sister made some pie, and it tasted horribly... so I said this.... "This pie is very sugarplum-y." She said, "What do you mean by that?" I said, "It tastes like sugarplums..."