I was talking to a Muslim yesterday, and he asked me what it's like to be blind.
I happened to tell him about 20 jokes; in fact, I was working on my twentieth. So I answered with, "At least I don't have to screw in light bulbs. It's not like I need the damn things anyway."
Um... (no idea what joke I should tell).
Q: What’s the hardest thing about fucking a dude with a dildo?
A: Making sure he doesn’t wake up.
What kind of pillow makes sounds?
What's the difference between my basement and my garage?
One has a pile of babies' bodies; the other has their heads.
Dad: What do you call a crazy creeper?
Mom: Shit, I don't know...
Kid: Crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Dad: That's my boy's!!!
What’s 2 Mexicans playing basketball called?
"Juan on Juan."
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture?
A: One uses one nail to hang.
Two gay men walk into a bar. One of them turned to the other and said, "Hey, what do you say we get out of here?"
What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common?
They both like to dump their loads into little kids.
What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One is gigantic, the other is just a little lighter.
If Donald Trump had sex with an orange, guess what his son would be?
An orange tree! :>
What's a similarity between Harvey Weinstein's pants and American bombs?
They both drop unannounced and leave mass casualties.
What do you get when you cross an adopted kid with a river?
Moses hits the adoption lottery!
A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. After 10 shots of vodka, the guy had, the bartender figured if he talked to him, he would tell him everything as he’s not sober.
Bartender: Hey, that’s some nice jewellery you have there. It must be expensive.
Guy: Yeah, this bracelet is made of 100% diamond. It cost me like 250 thousand dollars. What a bargain, eh?
Bartender: Seems like you make a lot of money. What do you do for a living?
Guy: I take cash from the bank and don’t give it back. It takes a lot of moral courage to rob banks to provide for my family.
Bartender: What? If that’s the case, then why do you even pay for the jewellery or this beer? You’re a hypocrite, that’s what you are, justifying robbing people as a living.
Guy: Hypocrite? You’re right. I'm living with double standards to justify my actions.
(5 seconds later)
Guy: Aye, open the cash register and give me your wallet or I will blow your fucking brains out. I fucking hate hypocrites and I will not gonna be one of em!
Ever heard of the show "Naked and Afraid"? That's what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.
What’s a cannibal's favorite takeaway shop?
The orphanage.
Trump goes to a bar and sees Hillary Clinton. He goes up to her and says, "Buy me a drink." She replies angrily, "Get your own drinks. What kind of a man asks a woman to buy him a drink?" Trump responds, "The kind that will grab you by the p***y."
A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 2 beers." The bartender gives him two beers and coughs in the guy's beer bottles before giving it to him. The guy says to the bartender, "Hey, what are you doing? I didn't order Bud Lights, I want Corona beer." The bartender replies, "Sir, I gave you a mix of Bud Light and Corona, and it's on the house, everyone is drinking Corona tonight."
What do you call a girl with only one leg? Eileen.
What about an Asian girl with only one leg? Irene.
