United Kingdom jokes

Wonder why the British are so good at chess? They have the queen.

Wonder why Americans are so bad at chess? They lost two towers.

Next time you see a Brit, go up to them and say:

"Imagine losing a 'Tea Party in Boston.'"

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Di.

Di who?

See, easily forgotten.

Did the people of England see a "game over" sign in the sky when the queen died?

Me: So you two girls are from England?

Girls: Wales.

Me: Oh, I see, so you two whales are from England.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1. A castle weighs a ton. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. The Queen of England's won! I never thought she'd get it done, but her sister is a nun.

What’s Queen Elizabeth’s pickup line?

You’re breathtaking!

Why does Britain suck at chess?

They lost their queen.

What is the difference between Reform and Restore UK?

The Name.

Why did Queen Elizabeth II die? She forgot to heal after all those storms.

Your penis is literally BLUE!

Why is the sun red today?

The sun turned red today. Here's why. As an enormous Atlantic storm batters Ireland, a related phenomenon is turning heads further east over in the United Kingdom. ... Just like the way sunsets are sometimes red, excess particles in the atmosphere can change the color of the sun in the daytime.

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator, not a lift" and "it's chips, not crisps" etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."

The British equivalent to 9/11 would be a big red bus crashing into Big Ben.

An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.

Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away, and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers, and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

Don't bother; just try to live in England.

BLM British Lives Matter.