Scotland jokes

How do you stun a Scotsman?

Ask them to say "purple burglar alarm".

Did you hear about the Scottish man who murdered his wife?

He totally kilt her.

The department of touch yourself is coming to the UK near you. I hope Scotland gets freedom. I can't wait to leave England and live in Scotland.

The nearest approximation to a perpetuum mobile would be a Swabian chasing a Scot because of money.

(Swabians are the Scots of Germany regarding finances.)

Nessie is dying.

Last night I was watching a Scotland Christmas movie...

And the part when Mary tells Joseph that she is pregnant, Joseph was surprised, and he exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!!!" I immediately stopped watching and changed the channel.

Why do you Scotchmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

What borders on stupidity?

Scotland and the EU.

Why did UK want Northern Ireland for more s***?

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.

A Scotsman at the hairdresser: "How much is a haircut?"

"Six pounds."

"And shaving?"

"Three pounds."

"Good, then shave my head."