Worst Jokes Ever

My brother and I were roughhousing and accidentally knocked over our bookshelf. My mom came in and started asking who knocked it over, to which I replied that I only had my shelf to blame.

Hey, can I axe you a question?

My brother likes to build "traps" to capture our cat so he can pet it. I said it wasn't gonna catch anyone, he replied with "not going to stop who?" I told him not to worry that it could capture any two.

You know sex is better than logic, but I could've proved it...

What did the man say when his girlfriend threw sodium and chloride at him?

That’s assault!

Do you want to know why I hired a protractor to tutor my nephew in IIROC? Because he has degrees. 180 of them. So he's smar[t].

Why is 10 scared of 11 and 9? Because he's in the middle of 9/11.

Qualification Check:

Single

Taken

Friended ✔

I looked at you, and you were bald until I got slapped up by Will Smith to the back of your head and saw the Great Wall of China.

Why can’t the disabled kid live on the corner?

Because he’s disabled.

Why do animals cross the road?

Because it is funny, do you say "dogs" and "cats?"

They call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me poor and ugly.

I want a bigger couch.

Why? You're going to be in the kitchen most of the time anyway.

If you swallow gum, it will make your poop bouncy.

What’s the difference between a whale and Lizzo?

Absolutely nothing.

What do you call a movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bill Cosby?

Predator.

One day I was at school, and this girl had the nerve. She told me to go to the back of the line. I was looking behind me, and she said, "What are you looking for?" I said, "To who [are] you talking to, boo boo?" Like, is you you my momma?

You masturbate...

AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

You won't get any Squirtle and Bulbasaur pets.

"Bill, never do that again."

If you are a girl--you are allowed to read this.

Look down your shirt and spell attic.

If you ever thought you were gay, remember that cockroaches exist.

Mom clean your room Me no it’s my room and I don’t want to clean it Mom you are nothing like Mrs. Smith’s daughter me Well I’m not Mrs. Smith’s daughter now am I you are the Worst like why are you trying to compare me with Mrs. Smith’s daughter I’m not her OK I am not her so stop Mom do you know what I pushed you out of my hula 43 minutes do not make me hate you because guess what I brought you into the world and I can take you out of it Me bro