Worst Jokes Ever

My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"

Chuck Norris once put a plastic bag on his head, and the bag suffocated to death.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

When you accidentally turn in your suicide note instead of your essay to the teacher, but she still gives you an A.

What did the rapist say to his victim?

"Go ahead, call the police. We will see who comes first."

The only reason Stephen Hawking died is because he forgot to update to the latest version of Microsoft.

Who reads the fastest?

The pilot of the plane who hit one of the twin towers. He took out 83 stories in one go.

I hate two-faced people because I don't know which face to slap first.

What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.

What’s the best part about twenty-eight year olds?

There’s twenty of them.

One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

One day Nathan came in ten minutes late to Mr. Jones's class. Mr. Jones asked him, "Nathan, what do you have to say for yourself?" Nathan says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill." Then Dave came in a further ten minutes late to Mr. Jones's class. Mr. Jones asked him, "Dave, what do you have to say for yourself?" Dave says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill." Then Mike came in a further ten minutes late to Mr. Jones's class. Mr. Jones asked him, "Mike, what do you have to say for yourself?" Mike says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill." Then five minutes later a new girl walked in to Mr. Jones's lesson. Mr. Jones is at the end of his tether now and says, "Who are you and why are you late?" The new girl says, "Sir, I'm called Cherry Hill."

Why did the noble gas cry?

Because all his friends Argon.

Look in the mirror. There's a joke for you.

Look, I'm innocent. I was just going on vacation in NY, but my co-pilot said: "Hit it with your best shot."

Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"

Woman two: "Did that work?"

Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."

Why do bees have sticky hair? They always use honeycombs.

Go Kermit, toaster bath.