So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says "What should their names be?" The uncle replies "Well for your daughter, Denise" "That's a nice name" comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies "Denephew".
when you think you can’t fail anymore if you’re dead then you fail at suiciding-
Do you know why the Royal family can no longer play monopoly?
How do you think Princess Diana died?
...Too soon?
Little Sally found out that she had hair on her private area and whent up to her mom and asked "mom I have hair on my privates,what is it?" "OH honey thats your monkey." The mom says So little Sally runs up to her big sister and says "my monkey has hair on it" so the sister replies with a laugh "you think thats cool my monkey is already eating bananas
People keep telling me they hope Kenny never has kids. I don't think that's a worry. His mom is much too old to get pregnant.
Toothbrush says I have the worst job ever. Toilet paper says you think your job shity.
Recently I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker down town in Manhattan, New York thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.
I think God is cool with abortion
After all, he did kill his only son
I bought a silencer for my gun, but I don't think it works. My victims still scream.
I kept asking these kids where there parents are and they started crying, I walked away laughing thinking i love my job at an orphanage
McDonald's was originally called 'Mac and Dick', so, if you think about it, you could be enjoying a Big Dick instead of a Big Mac.
My friend got a sorry excuse for a new hair style, she says "How do you like my new hair style?" Me: I think it's a great idea, when are you getting one?
Three guy are in the woods, a a really smart guy, an average, and a really dumb guy, they bored so the smart guy decides to go hunting a little while later he comes back with a dear, the average guy asks how do did you do that? The really smart guy says says I see dear tracks I fallow dear tracks, I see dear I shoot dear. The average guy say I think I understand and leaves, an little bit later he comes back with a raccoon. The really dumb goes *gasp* how did you do that!?. And the average looks at him funny and says well I see raccoon tracks I fallow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon I shoot raccoon. The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says Oooohh, ok I thiNo I can do that.. and leaves. Hours pass and and the guy finally returns, hurt, bloody, and horribly mingled. They run to help him. Finally one of the guys ask him what happened this is what he said: I see train tracks, I fallow train tracks. I see train I shoot train. But train keep coming.
I took my sister and And cousin to a sleepover with lil Diddy who my dad‘s friend has connections with I think the experience went fine, but they were traumatized, We got what we wanted.
Motivational quote for today: if you think you're dumb you're probably overestimating your intellectual abilities...
My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said "I wanna watch"
Me and my girlfreind were walking in the woods, HER: I am Scared ME: What do you think I feel I have to walk back alone
lmao why do people think they can fly
Girl: I’m so in love with you! Boy: me too. I think you’re abcdefghijk: - aesthetic, beautiful, cool, determined, elegant, famous, hot. Girl: whats the ijk? Boy: I’m just kidding
A brother and sister were hanging out, and the brother was sad, so the sister asked why. The brother replies with "I think I need to break up with you"
