They jokes

Play dead, they said.

Wasn't too hard.

I've been dead inside for years.

Kid: Licks money.

Mom: Hey, don’t lick the money. It is dirty.

Kid: Is that why they call people filthy rich?

Why are elephants 🐘 so responsible?

Because they keep their belongings in the trunk.

What do crows use when they get a phone?

A "CAWing" card!

Why was the short person a coward? They didn't stand up to challenges.

Fat people should expect big things when they take their shirt off.

What’s the difference between a barcode and Rachel Sutherland’s wrist?

Nothing, they both get scanned for a fresh new pack of razor blades.

Why can’t the orphan play baseball?

Because they don’t know where home is.

A couple and their friends were riding their tricycle, and one wheel fell off. They discussed what to do, and finally the friend said, "Why don't you just use me?" The boyfriend said, "Why did I not think of using the third wheel?"

Teacher: Why do people snore?

Me: Because they sleep.

How do clarinet players play a song?

They reed their music.

Roses are red, violets are blue, when The Oh Hellos saw you they said "Shoo!"

A man is on his death sentence, and he gets to choose his last meal.

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life. They never found a working machine.

I'm so jealous of babies with anencephaly.

They can eat all the ice cream they want and never get brain freezes.

Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂

Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.

Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.

I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

I tried to stick to One Direction, but then they started to shoot the gay bar...

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there.

One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So, what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the Queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”

Why can Chinese people play baseball? Because they ate the bat.

What do you do when you're sad? Kick an orphan!

What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

Why can’t orphans win trophies?

Because they can’t take them home.