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You could say ancient Egyptians and JDM car fans are alike--they both worship Datsun.

You could say Japanese car fans and ancient Egyptians are alike—they both worship Datsun.

A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.

Last night I remember partying with friends to find blood on my nightstand.

Moments after, I scolded my friends to put my alarm clock back where they found it.

A man was sitting in the restaurant and ordered a whole buffet. He is visited by an oracle. Apollo says, "If you eat that buffet, everyone you love will die."

"Up yours," the man said, "What are they going to die of, famine?"

Moments later, there was an incident that took place in the restaurant. Everyone literally died. It turned out the restaurant had a B-. I said, "Is that really a thing groaning on the hospital?"

The doctor said, "Know that is your condition, you have hepatitis B-."

"What the FU***** SH**"

Apollo is sitting in Mount Olympus, dying also in laughter.

What does McDonald's and a Catholic priest have in common?

They both put their meat in 10-year-old buns.

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    • If you're in a roast battle with a homophobe and they are talking mad shit, just say:

    "The only thing looser than your mouth is your asshole!"

    So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.

    Somebody told another person that they would meet at the crack of dawn.

    Let's just say Dawn got very mad.

    When you're bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

    In the new Grinch, the Whos would say he stole Christmas, "Get him!" Then the Grinch said, "I'm an orphan!" That changes everything. The Whos said, "What would they do if Max was an orphan?"