Them jokes
Q: How many dead babies does it take to paint the wall?
A: Depends how hard you throw them.
If a kid refused to go to bed, does that make them guilty of resisting a rest?
I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.
She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.
Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!
My mom said to go do the dishes, but she did them before me, so I killed myself.
A mouse is just like a ball bearing.
Drench them in oil, and they stop squeaking.
What do James Doyle and Hannah Doyle have in common?
John fucked them both in the rear.
GUY 1: How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
GUY 2: Depends on how hard you throw them.
Why do basketball players hate gravity?
Because it's always bringing them down.
When someone calls you, say this: "Hi, welcome to Dave’s Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I have been tripping all day!
How do you punch 40 kids in the face at once? Hit them with a “Sandy Hook”.
Why can't orphans play online games? Because they don't have parents to sign them up.
How do you make Alabama cookies?
Put them in a big bowl and beat for three hours.
People are like bean burritos. You can eat them EVERY DAY, but you'll never run out.
Q: How do you get a one armed person out of a tree?
A: You wave at them.
Three nuns went up to Mother Teresa and said, "Mother Teresa, we would not like to be nuns anymore." Mother Teresa said, "Okay, but first you have to do something unholy." So they leave and come back three days later. The first one says, "Mother Teresa, I did something unholy. I took a little kid's bike." Mother Teresa says, "Okay, drink from the holy water and you are free to go." The second nun walks up, upset, "I did something worse than her. I slept with a married man." The last nun walks up and says, "I did something worse than all of them." Mother Teresa says, "Oh god, oh gosh, what is it?" And the third nun says, "I peed in the holy water."
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
Why did half of the world not see Avengers: Endgame?
Because half of them were Thanos snapped in Avengers: Infinity War.
Q: What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?
A: Putting them back in their wheelchair.
There was one girl. She met 5000 guys. She had sex with each of them seven times. She became... - flip screen (=).