The jokes

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It gets really tense.

I walked out of the electronic store and saw a midget carrying a big screen TV all by himself. He looked like he needed a hand, so I offered to help.

He said, "This is not a big screen TV, it's a Kindle!!"

Stephen only died because his wife tripped over the power cord.

Heard the Helen Keller single?

It’s called ERRRRRAGHHH!!!

A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender says, "Don't you mean a Martini?" The Roman then says, "Look, if I want a double, I'll ask for one."

I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.

Oh, don't worry, he's okay now.

But the vet charged me six quid.

What does Matthew McConaughey say at the Republican convention...

We're gonna take back what is ours, alt right, alt right, alt right, hee heeeee...

Q: Why is Japan the healthiest country?

A: Last time they had a fat man, 80,000 people died.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It doesn't matter, he's dead.

OK, there are at least 3 pedophiles in your neighborhood.

But there are no pedophiles in my neighborhood; there are only three 10-year-old girls with juicy asses.

What's the difference between a cat and a human? About 500 bullets.

A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."

This disabled girl started rolling after me, so I ran to the stairs. 🤣🤣 LOL

What do you call the longest reigning monarch?

The queen? No, she dead.

I was the manager at a McDonald’s in Turin when I saw Penaldo walk in and submit a job application. I asked him to show me his skills and experience, but he just started diving and asking for pens and tap-ins. I was confused until Penaldo told me that’s all he knows how to do.

What do you call a bunch of white people on a bench?

The NBA.

A man is being sued for raping a deaf girl. The judge, showing his pinky:

"You should be ashamed, man, your conscience is even smaller than that!"

The girl, showing her arm:

"Mhhhmmhmm, mhhmhm!"

You know the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? Apparently, Santa's the mailman.

How can you tell if a heterosexual man has been using a computer?

There is sperm on the screen.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

Robin, get in the car.