The jokes
We spend the weekend getting the poop out!
Stephen Hawking didn't die, he just uploaded himself to the 'net...
How did the skeleton know it was gonna rain?
If you said he felt it in his bones, you're wrong. He watched the weather forecast.
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pedophile?
One is Catholic and the other is a priest.
Memes
What's the difference between a homeless person and a car?
Only one gets fuel.
Stephen Hawking died because he was too far away from the Wi-Fi router.
There are two cows in a field. One says to the other, "I'm cold. Are you cold?"
The other cow says, "Yeah, I'm Fresian."
What does the Fox say?
Fraka - kaka - kaka - kow.
Q. What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?
A. “I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions.”
What did one gay guy say to the other when they were packing for a trip?
"Want me to pack your shit?"
What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?
They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re pretty much screwed.
Did you hear about the emo kid that tried to high-five a tree? It left him hanging.
You know how we all have different sides? Well, I have a suicidal side. (Here a bang in the next room.) Oh well, not anymore :)
What's the difference between a toaster and a ten-year-old Chinese girl? A Japanese soldier would regret sticking his d*ck into a toaster.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and swim in some shit. Jack forgot to bring some goggles and floaty, and now they have a daughter.
Secret: Jill didn’t go in the shit yet. Jack went in first and died! :D
How do Chinese people name their babies?
They chuck a pan down the stairs.
Why did the cheetah get in trouble at school?
Because he cheated on a test.
What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?
The apple gets picked.
I got detention one day. I don’t know why; I only slapped the emo kid on the wrist.