The jokes
How do you know when your vegetables are completely cooked?
The wheelchair rises to the top.
Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."
Which company likes Jesus the most?
IHS Markit!
Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?
Because he wanted to win no-bell prize!
What happens when an alien connects with your device?
The alien says on your device: ".-- . / - .-. .- ...- . .-.. / ..-. .-. --- -- / -- .- -. -.-- / -- .- -. -.-- / --. .- .-.. .- -..- -.-- ..."
Memes
I'll never forget my aunt's last words before she died: "Can you stop shaking the ladder, please?"
How do you try to shout at someone on the bottom of the ground?
"Hey, sir! Are you dead?"
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?
Unlike the porcupine, the pricks are on the inside.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass is tickling their ballsacks!
Why did the MOSFET go to jail?
It had a charge for battery.
Why don't gay Greek men in Greece perform anilingus on each other?
Because anilingus between two gay men is against the law in Greece.
I'm about to go to the orphanage to tell yo mama jokes.
Mom: They say our kid neighbor has blue blood.
Son: Really?
Also 2 hours later:
Son: Mom, the kid doesn't have blue blood.
Mom: Son, I-
There are two types of faces:
The handsome one, but the wallet is ugly.
Then there is this personal face full of bumps, but even they lack a wallet.
What did the bison say to his son leaving for school?
"Bye son!"
Get it? Bye son, Bison!
A twelve-volt battery walks into a tavern and orders a drink. The bartender serves him, and comments, "Now don't start anything."
A man was taking a child into a dark forest.
The child said, "I'm scared!"
The man replied, "Well I have to walk home alone."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the one behind it wasn't social distancing.
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
Because her students were so bright!
What's the difference between a road bump and children crossing the road?
A road bump will make you slow down when you drive over it.