The jokes

I was on the train today and saw a cow on it.

It was quite strange until I realized it was Alfie's mum.

It's horrible to make jokes about 9/11, but it's not funny when I found out my mate's mum jumped from the 21st floor.

The twin towers are like your father, they're both gone and will never come back.

I got in trouble at school today because I told the teacher at school with COVID to stay positive.

Who is the definition of a natural-born cocksucker?

A bisexual male, a homosexual male, a bisexual female, or a heterosexual female?

A physically disabled heterosexual male.

My friend said an apple a day keeps the orphan away. I said only if you throw it hard enough.

What did I say to the bridge?

Bye, bridge.

What is an Italian massage?

An Italian Catholic priest giving a blowjob inside the confessional booth during Lent.

What's the difference between a light bulb and a woman?

You can screw and unscrew a light bulb, but you can't unscrew a woman.

Your Mama so fat, when she fell on the sidewalk, nobody laughed but the sidewalk cracked up.

The Twin Towers ordered a sesame bagel. They got the plane one instead.

Q: Why did the orphan cross the road?

A: To get to the other side to find his parents.

There was no other side of the road.

Me: Do you eat your cereal with water? You: No, why? Me: 'Cause your dad never came back with the milk!

What’s the best thing about making out with dead girls?

They can’t say no.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?

Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.

My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.

Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.

Why are people in Japan so thin?

Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.

A Biologist, a Chemist, and a Statistician are out hunting.

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left.

The chemist shoots at the same deer and misses five feet to the right.

The statistician shouts, "We got him!"

What’s the Difference Between a Cat and a Comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.