The jokes
Why doesn't Adele swim properly?
Because she's rolling in the deep. 🤽♂️
A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.
The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."
The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."
Why was the turtle looking at her phone?
She wanted to take a shellfie.
What is the giant's synonyms?
Fi, fo, fum.
Sally's mother had four children. The fourth April, the second May, the third June. Who was the first child?
Sally.
Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no BODY to go with.
Where does the resistor go after a long day?
It goes Ohm.
Why did the roster cross the road twice?
To prove it was not a chicken.
What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
One's a busy ditch.
My wife and I have reached the decision that we do not want children.
If anyone does, please comment your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
A boy asks a zookeeper, "Why is there a baguette in a cage?"
The zookeeper says, "It's bread in captivity!"
Where do cows go to see the big screen? The mooo-vie theater.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she’s the only one who’s 18.
Yo mama so old, she was a waitress at the last supper.
When you find out your wife had a miscarriage,
So you start singing "It’s the best day ever!"
How to catch Bigfoot: 1. Dig a large pit. 2. Build a fire in the pit and let it burn all the way to ashes. 3. Place small green peas all around the rim of the pit. 4. Hide in the bushes and wait. When Bigfoot goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl?
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
Why does an orphan hate the ending of Finding Nemo?
Nemo goes back to his father.
How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?
Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.
What do a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both take it in the back and go “whoot whoot.”