The jokes

Imagine the Russians showing up late to the 1917 revolution with a Tsarbucks in hand. They were late, so I guess they weren't Russian. They were probably Stalin.

I am only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know why.

New horror movie idea.

The main character loves anime. The killer yells "Omae wa mou shindeiru." The main character instinctively yells back "NANI???" and is killed.

Q: Where did Sally go when the bomb went off?

A: Everywhere.

Why did Paul Walker cross the road?

He wasn’t wearing a seat belt.

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..." *poof* ... He disappeared without a tres.

What did the dalmatian dog say after he finished his meal?

"That hit the spot?"

Yo mama is so ugly, when there was a tornado, the tornado refused to suck her up.

Two people are under the covers. The man says, "Quote the Beatles: Come together!"

How can you save a depressed person from a tree?

You cut the rope.

Him: What's the difference between Incestry.com and Ancestry.com?

Her: What?

Him: Nothing, either way you will be dating your cousin.

I like my coffee the way I like jokes about my coffee, I don't.

Why are Captain from SpongeBob and Michael Jackson so similar?

They both say, "Are you ready, kids?"

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson on the beach?

"Excuse me sir, but you're in my sun."

My sister said the onion is the only vegetable that can make you cry...

So I threw a carrot at her.

An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"

What is the strongest weapon in India?

The red button (this is a fact).

How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.

My young son saw Trump on TV. He asked, "Why is the man on TV painted orange?" I replied, "Son, when Russia pays that much for equipment, they don't want it to rust."

I may not be as "rich" as Donald Trump, but at least I am still allowed to go on holiday to Bali, Niagara Falls, Hong Kong, and the Pyramids of Giza.

Orange Jesus can't travel to these places because these places cannot grant entry to felons.

...ah, who am I kidding? It's likely that Trump is going to prison, anyway.