The jokes
Q: What did Donald Trump say after America gave him the boot?
A: What am I supposed to do with one boot?
I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.
What happened when the cheetah took too many baths?
He became spotless!!!
I'm torn on the issue of abortion. I'm pro-abortion because it kills babies, but I'm against abortion because it gives women a choice.
Me: dozes off while driving. Everybody else on the passenger plane on September 11.
Memes
What's the only thing with 4 legs Asians don't eat? A table.
I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.
If a man is willing to try his hardest to give you the moon and stars, then ladies, you should be willing to give up Uranus.
What's long and not very hairy?
The conga line at the cancer department.
When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
Why did the royal wedding get more publicity than a school shooting?
Cause a royal wedding doesn't happen once a week.
What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton? "You're dead to me."
What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.
How do you punish a blind man?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
Where do alien cows come from?
- The Milky Way.
Q: What's the best thing about fucking 28 year olds?
A: There's 20 of them.
Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,
answer the phone with this:
"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"
or
"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"
Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.
How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.
What's a skeleton's favorite instrument? The exylo-bone!