The jokes

Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. What the fuck? Saturday.

Last week, I was on a plane to Manchester when suddenly the plane was hit by a ball. I wondered where it came from, but I soon realized it was none other than Penaldo practicing his free kicks. Shame on you, Penaldo, for almost killing me!

Mom said dad had the best pullout game... now I'm an uncle.

What's the difference between a boring teacher and a boring book?

You can shut the book up.

How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it!

What's Gru's favorite Beyoncé lyric? "Who run the world... Gorls."

What did scientists prove when they saw a skeleton on the moon?

The cow didn’t make it.

There was a boy named Sammy, and he was deeply in love with a girl named Rayne. But she didn’t notice him or talk to him. But one day, she did, and they end up liking each other and getting married and lived happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy snuck in Rayne’s house at night and kidnapped her, locked her in his basement, and turned her into a puppet so she'd be with him forever and ever. The End.

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? Because she ran away from the ball.

Before the chicken or the egg, there was only Chuck Norris.

Here's how to piss off all of North America.

All the United States is, is South Canadia.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To end his pain and suffering.

Where do sick boats go? The dock!

Things you never want to do in jail:

- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other, "I blew like 20 bucks in there!"

What kind of games do they play in Africa? The hunger games.

What is the definition of African-American Vienna sausages?

cocks of African-American men

I was making vegetable soup yesterday, but the wheelchair wouldn’t fit.

Jeff asks, "Did you hear about the guy they call the flash?"

Bob responds, "No, I haven't. Do they call him that because he runs fast?"

Jeff replies, "Nah, they call him that because he doesn't wear pants."

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.