The jokes

How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it!

What's Gru's favorite Beyoncé lyric? "Who run the world... Gorls."

What did scientists prove when they saw a skeleton on the moon?

The cow didn’t make it.

There was a boy named Sammy, and he was deeply in love with a girl named Rayne. But she didn’t notice him or talk to him. But one day, she did, and they end up liking each other and getting married and lived happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy snuck in Rayne’s house at night and kidnapped her, locked her in his basement, and turned her into a puppet so she'd be with him forever and ever. The End.

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? Because she ran away from the ball.

Before the chicken or the egg, there was only Chuck Norris.

Here's how to piss off all of North America.

All the United States is, is South Canadia.

Where do sick boats go? The dock!

Things you never want to do in jail:

- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.

What kind of games do they play in Africa? The hunger games.

What is the definition of African-American Vienna sausages?

cocks of African-American men

I was making vegetable soup yesterday, but the wheelchair wouldn’t fit.

Jeff asks, "Did you hear about the guy they call the flash?"

Bob responds, "No, I haven't. Do they call him that because he runs fast?"

Jeff replies, "Nah, they call him that because he doesn't wear pants."

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued; your blood was delectable, and so was the rest of you.

An orphan made an Instagram. He did not know what that symbol was on the bottom left hand corner.

I wonder if the sun is going to rise every morning. Then it dawns on me.

Why did the tiger lose at poker?

Answer: Because he was playing with a cheetah.

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

Did you know pigeons die after sex?

Well, at least the one I fucked did.