The jokes

What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap?

"You have a great singer inside you."

A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

What's the cool thing about bringing a pack of gum or a shotgun to school?

When you pull one out everybody wants to be your friend. :)

What is the part of school with all the autistic people called? Downtown.

Why did the emo leave the bar?

Because it was happy hour.

How do you trick a Catholic priest into using the glory hole at an adult bookstore? Tell him it is a confessional booth.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and touched Jill's thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jill said yes, took off her dress, and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pills, and now they have a son.

What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?

The rooster says... "cock-a-doodle-doo." The prostitute says... "any cock will do."

Women are like the Twin Towers. After you smash them, and if some little people start jumping out, the government is gonna tax the shit outta you.

Why doesn't the Sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees.

What is the most expensive haircut? Chemotherapy.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.

During a phone call:

"Hey, is Michael Jackson in Miami with his manager?"

"Actually, he's off to Tampa with the kids."

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

What is the difference between climate change and the greenhouse effect, once a philosopher, twice a sodomite?

Yo mama so fat, when she walked by the TV, I missed three episodes.

One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says, "Hey dad! Whatcha doin'?"

His father says, "I'm filling your mom's tank."

Johnny says, "Oh yeah, well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because the milk man filled her up this morning."

Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?

My friend: Chunky dunks.