The jokes

A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."

The room was full of arm amputees.

What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap?

"You have a great singer inside you."

A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

What is the part of school with all the autistic people called? Downtown.

Why did the emo leave the bar?

Because it was happy hour.

How do you trick a Catholic priest into using the glory hole at an adult bookstore? Tell him it is a confessional booth.

What is the most expensive haircut? Chemotherapy.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and touched Jill's thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jill said yes, took off her dress, and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pills, and now they have a son.

You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Why doesn't the Sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.

How do you know that the U.S. sucks at chess?

They lost two towers.

I got kicked out of Social Studies class when my teacher made us watch a women's rights documentary. When he asked us what the genre of the film was, I put my hand up and said "Fiction."

During a phone call:

"Hey, is Michael Jackson in Miami with his manager?"

"Actually, he's off to Tampa with the kids."

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

I saw two men wearing the same clothing and walking together, so I asked both of them if they were gay. They did not hesitate arresting me after I said that.

Watching the 9/11 documentaries, just watching a kill cam.

What is the difference between climate change and the greenhouse effect, once a philosopher, twice a sodomite?

Yo mama so fat, when she walked by the TV, I missed three episodes.

One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"