The jokes
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George smothered under a rug.
H is for Hector done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.
J is for James who took lye by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.
N is for Neville who died of ennui.
O is for Olive run through with an awl.
P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.
R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits.
T is for Titus who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain.
V is for Victor squashed under a train.
W is for Winnie embedded in ice.
X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.
Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
What do you call a school shooting survivor who grows up to be a prostitute on the West Coast?
A Sandy Hooker
"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."
The population in Ireland's capital started rapidly growing. In fact, it's Dublin!
Why did the woman throw her bills out the window? She wanted to send them via airmail.
A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."
Want to know how to fit 71 people in a car? Two in the front while we handle 69 in the back.
Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."
My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.
A limbless criminal has just been identified. Police say the suspect is armed and on the run.
I took my girlfriend to a Chinese restaurant. One hour after ordering, I went to ask the chef what was going on. That was until I heard barking from the kitchen.
I got kicked out of the library because I put the woman's right book in the non-fiction section.
If a school shooter walks into a classroom and shoots an autistic kid, what does the kid say? "Why do I look like Swiss cheese?"
What is the difference between Catholics and Lutherans?
Catholics are registered sex offenders.
I would kiss your lips, but your legs are blocking the way.
If you know, you know. ππ
What did the titanic say as it was sinking?
I nominate all the passengers to the ice bucket challenge.
Technically, a human is hollow. We have an empty tube through us from the mouth and nose to the asshole and dick or pussy. We are basically tubes.
A police officer pulls over two Catholic priests. He says he's looking for two child molesters.
The Catholic priests look at each other: "We'll do it!"
What do you say to a depressed person on the ceiling?
Hang in there!
Why do orphans drink water with cereal?
Because their dad never came back with the milk.