The jokes
Why did they invent glow-in-the-dark condoms? So gay people can play Star Wars.
I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”
My true hero is the person who killed Hitler.
What do you call a communist pirate ship?
The USS Arrrrr.
Memes
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5
4 to turn the table, and 1 to hold the bulb.
What's the difference between a Nazi and an onion? If you cut a Nazi, nobody is crying.
what was sally's role in a football game?
the football ;-;
Jack and Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick her candy. But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, 'cause Jill's real name was Randy.
My uncle died on September 11. He was the greatest pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.
Me running after slapping the emo kid's wrist and saying, "I like ya cut g."
How do you create the world's quickest human pyramid?
Turn on the gas chamber.
Q: Why did the two gate-builders start fighting?
A: Because they were fencing.
What do chairs spend on the most?
Chair-ity.
My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.
Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”
Crucifixion was the first T-pose.
Why is the USA so bad at chess?
Because they already lost two towers.
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
The little camel asks his mother: "Mum, why do we have these big humps?"
"Because in these humps there is some water, and in the hot desert we can drink."
"And Mum, why do we have this large fur?"
"Because the desert at night is so cold, and then we don’t feel cold."
"And Mum, why do we got these big hoofs?"
"Because the desert sand is hot, and the hoofs save us from the hot sand."
"But Mum, what the fuck are we doing here in the national zoo?"
The American salute starts with your hand facing flat towards the ground on your head.
The British salute starts with your hand against your head just like the American salute.
The French salute starts with your hands in the air.
The Saudi salute starts with you being bent over with a camel tongue in your ass.