The jokes

I got caught masturbating in the bath by my mum!

I said, "Mum, I’ll wash it as hard and fast as I want!"

Me and my stepmom went into the forest.

I think I hid the body pretty well, but now I have to hide the gun.

"Why is it that orphans only play tennis?""That's the only love they can get..."

What’s the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

Chuck Norris once ran all the way around the equator and kicked himself in the back.

"Déjà moo": The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Why was the astronaut washing her hands?

She was getting ready to eat launch.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the Fresh prints.

Why did the orphan sleep outside? ... Because he gets to wake up to Mother Nature.

I can find the end of time before I find your hairline.

Do you know the TV show "Naked and Afraid?" Well, that's what my grandpa and I played when I was young.

What is 80 feet wide and has 22 teeth?

Answer: The front row of a Trump Rally!

What did the Queen Bee say to the other bees? "Beehive yourselves!"

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

Why were the Twin Towers mad? Because they ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plane.

What part of the Earth does Helen Keller not have?

The sea.

God: “Steven, join us.”

Sees the staircase to Heaven.

Steven: “Ahh, fu-”

I heard the man who invented Autocorrect died; may he rest in peace.

What is the worst thing you can find out about a woman on a first date?

She claims to have been raped. Then, you know to get as far away from her as possible because she's probably a feminazi bitch.

As an Autist, I find these jokes really funny. Thanks for the early 13th birthday present, ya'll :>