The jokes

Never attempt to foreshadow your own death, you may end up regretting it. You can chop me up and throw me in the fridge if I’m wrong.

What do children and lights have in common? They both hang from ceilings!

Not funny, here’s another.

Why can’t China play baseball? They ate the bat.

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.

Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.

The teacher asked her student to say the alphabet. The student recited the alphabet: "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz". "Where's the p?" He looked down to the floor and said: "it's running down my legs".

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? - In case he got a hole in one.

WARNING OFFENSIVE: What is the difference between a redhead and a brick? ... A brick gets laid.

What’s the difference between people and chocolate? I can still buy dark chocolate.

When Chuck Norris wants to burn calories, he throws fat children into the fire.

A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a chair... and the counter.

Two people just met. One said, “We should do some bonding.” The other nodded and said back, “Titanic.” The first just looked confused so the second one just said, “Sorry, thought that would be a good icebreaker.”

What did the little boy say to the fat man?

How many Japs did you get?

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

Person 1: "...."

Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."

If Italy attacked France from the rear, would Greece help?

What's an emo person's least favorite game? Cut The Rope.

One day I came to my mom and said, "MOM!!! I can make a butterfly!"

Mom: "No you can't..."

Me: *throws butter out the window* Me: "Look I made a butterfly!"

lol this isn't funny but I hope you liked it.

Old man goes to the doctor.

The doctor says, "The test results are back, and I'm sad to say you have cancer and Alzheimer's."

The old man says, "Phew! At least it's not cancer!"

There's a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run.

What did the cake say to the fork?

"Do you want a piece of me!!!"

How do we know that Princess Diana had dandruff?

Because they found her head and shoulders in the glovebox.

What's the difference between my phone and my sister?

I actually give a damn if my phone dies.