The jokes

Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've seen it.

Billy: "I'm so used to having you in bed with me, I don't know if I'm ready for this long-distance relationship."

Sally: "Ohh, don't worry brother, I'll just be right down the hall..."

What happens when Stephen Hawking dies?

The Windows shutdown sound plays.

Sixty years ago, Stephen Hawking's teacher got fired for accidentally making an offensive joke. What was it? Go for your dreams, kids. Reach for the stars.

Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped.

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?" She is shocked. "Why would you want something like that?" The man calmly tells her, "I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover." The pharmacist is now horrified. She said, "I can not possibly give you that. It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!" At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having sex with the pharmacist's husband. She examines it then looks up at him. "Oh. I didn't know you had a prescription."

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

What game did Al-Qaeda play with the Twin Towers on September 11th, 2001? Jenga.

What's the difference between a priest and SpongeBob?

SpongeBob asks if you're ready first.

When you're working in the Twin Towers and your computer connects to the airplane wifi.

I told a diabetic girl to have sweet dreams...

she died the next morning.

What does Frosty the snowman eat for breakfast?

Frosted Flakes.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.

I liked my life when I first got it... Later they said no because I didn’t have the receipt.

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple? An apple gets picked.

Why is parking a car like finding a girlfriend?

All the good ones are taken, so you stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.

Why did Yoda go to jail for rape?

He doesn't get consent; he just uses the force.

Sans: Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

Papyrus: Because they looked like me?

Sans: ... Sure.

Chinese kid was born before the due date. Parents name him "Sudden Lee."

People call me a bad person, but just the other day I saw a little kid crying and asked him where were his parents. I love working at the orphanage.