The jokes
Yo mama's so stinky that whenever she walks into a building, the flies drop dead!
My dad said he'd be back later after he walked out the door with a suitcase.
Who takes a suitcase to the grocery store? Silly daddy!
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer.
A wife asks her husband: Am I pretty or ugly?
The husband answers her: Pretty.
The wife responds: Thank yo-
The husband interrupts her: Pretty ugly!
Question: How did the cat cross the river?
Answer: It didn’t, it drowned.
Where did Susie go after the bomb exploded?
Everywhere.
No, no, no, no. Spot the intruder.
There's no one.
One day an old woman came into the bank and asked me to check her balance... So, I pushed her over.
A boy walks into some woods with a phone, and his friend comes by and asks, "What are you doing?"
He pauses, then says, "Trying some bird calls!"
What did a jockey's manager say to him before the race?
"Use the horse!"
The king took a shit on the craps table at the casino.
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" and the man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon!"
What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?
100 dead babies in a trash can.
What is worse than that?
There's a live one at the bottom.
What is worse than that?
It eats its way out.
What is worse than that?
It comes back for seconds.
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam.
I almost got run over by a car.
For the rest of the day I was taking the backseat as I was wheely tried.
Person 1: Hey, did you hear about the circus fire?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: It was in-tents.
The cop that is on a 12 o'clock shift says, "Hands up!"
I'm really bad at giving directions, but don't take that the wrong way.
"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."
I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.
Stephen Hawking died crossing the road. He was hit by a Universal Serial Bus.