The jokes

Why did Suzy fall off the swings? Because she had no arms.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Not Suzy.

What did my grandpa say after he kicked the bucket?

Nothing, I unplugged his life support before he said a word.

A man enters the bank and says, "Hi, I'm robbing you!" The man was arrested instantly.

The boobs was funny tbh... But the last was rude.

What did the cat say to the jar of cookies?

"Ground beef!"

There was a man. He came home with his friends from the bar and man was he ever wasted! Their friends made sure to get him home safely. The next morning, he woke up and found blood all over his nightstand. He called his friends and asked for his alarm clock back.

Chuck Norris gets paid $2 million a month training Bear Grylls how to survive in the “harshest conditions on earth.”

Why are Communists considered the left?

Because they can’t do anything right.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? "I gagged."

Kid: I don't want to go to the movies.

Mom: Shut your mouth and clean my room!

What happened when the 400+ women ate a slice of cake?

She died the next weekend.

Q. What do you call a CEO that's been shot in the head?

A. An ambulance.

How do you know if a homophobic woman that is a Christian nationalist and Catholic is poor enough she would be desperate enough to do anything to pay her bills?

she would be willing to perform anilingus and cunnilingus on women regardless of their sexual orientation in the LGBT community.

True Story

A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"

The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.

One time, little Johnny was watching TikTok, and he saw a toy that he wanted so badly, so he cleaned up the whole house and did his homework. When he was done, he saw a spill on the table. He went to the sink to grab a cloth, but when he came back, it was gone. He went to his mom's room and saw a drink with the label "daddy's drink," so he drunk it and said, "It's daddy's; he won't mind," and all day he was like the Flash. So he went back, turned the bottle around, and it said "Speedy," and then he said, "Oh, great heavens!"

What did one cheese say to the other cheese?

"Hello, it's a nice day, do you have any plans on what you're going to do?"... The other cheese was taken back by his politeness and friendliness, they agreed to meet again, and were soon married and lived happily ever after. Let this tale of the two cheeses inspire you to be a better person.

After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”

The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”

Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”

Yo mama played the iceberg in Titanic.

Why couldn't Sally open the fridge?

Because she had no arms.

What did the cancer patient get for Valentine's Day? Candy wigs.