The jokes

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

Why did the skeleton not go to the dance?

Because he’s dead.

You idiot.

There once was a street named Chuck Norris. They had to change the name because no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.

Apparently, Monica Lewinsky didn't vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong telephone.

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

What animal gets easily offended? The chicken; they always get roasted.

What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap? "Just beat it, just beat it."

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

The person who made it a law to not hurt girls is stupid because we've all kicked a pregnant woman before we were even born.

A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and says, "Who the fuck's been fucking my wife?" The room goes silent. The guy in the back finishes his beer and says, "You ain't got enough bullets."

What's the difference between onions and babies?

I cry when I cut onions.

Why were the Twin Towers scared at dinner?

Because their mom said, "Here comes the airplane!"

Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."

What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

You know how 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 8 9? Well, 10 is afraid because he was in the middle of 9/11.