The jokes

You know you’re getting fat when you sit in the bath, and the water in the bath rises.

You are so fat that the last time you stepped on the weighing scale, the doctor said, "I want your weight and not [your] phone number."

When your friends [are] talking about sports:

Jake says, "It was 17.56M people watching [the] basketball championship."🦁

Sam says, "It was 113M people watching the Super Bowl." 😯🐱

Avion says, "It was up from 1.12 billion people watching [the] World Cup." 😶🙀

Okay, so one time a deaf kid got into a car accident, but he didn't herd in on the news.

Why is the record for longest jump kept by an emo?

They're still hanging.

What's the similarity between an orphan and my dick?

They both will die alone.

Jack and Jill went up the hill.

Jack fell down, his ass was bound, and Jill continued up the hill.

Jack came back and beat Jill's back, and he got the ultimate kill.

Why did the orphan not call 911 when he saw a tower catch fire?

'Cause he did not want any kids to go through the same pain.

What is the difference between an Apple and an orphan?... One always gets picked.

The orphan tried to play baseball, but he couldn't get home because home doesn't exist for him.

Bro, this guy's hairline I saw the other day was nowhere to be seen.

Figure: Who wants to play hide and seek?

Seek and Hide: Me.

Figure: Ok, Seek, you're it. Me and Hide will hide.

Seek: Why do I have to be the seeker?

Figure: Because your name is in seeker.

Store owner: You have to be 40 inches tall to go into the adult section.

Kid: Please.

Store owner: Oh okay, but get on your tippy toes.

Kid: Everybody is hugging.

What is the only thing lesbians know how to grow? Cucumbers.

What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap?

"There's a great singer inside of you."

Why couldn’t the underage orphan get on an adult-only website? Because you need your parents' consent.

I'm gonna eat a hell of a lot of popcorn kernels before I die just to make the cremation a little more interesting.

The plane said to the tower, "You're so cute, I want to come crashing into your arms!"

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "Fuck him, he's only an egg."

What kind of book does cheese read at a church?

The Hole-y Bible.