The jokes

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?

You nail its other hand to the floor.

I was walking down the street one day, and I passed the gun store. I walked in, and everything was half off. I didn’t know back-to-school sales had started already!

A teenage girl got a summer job dogsitting for a gigantic English Mastiff. She spent hours with the dog, and walked a little funny when she got home.

"What are you doing all day?"

"Knot a lot."

Why did the kid throw the clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.

Orphan: My mommy and daddy love me.

Guy: Where are they then?

Orphan: In the eternal depths of [hell].

I got in a cage fight.

The hamster didn't know what hit him!

What do Philippe Petit and New York citizens have in common?

They both walk(ed) over the Twin Towers.

I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...

Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...

I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...

When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.

What do orphans not see on a controller?

The home button.

Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.

Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!

"Slow and steady wins the race."

What is the difference between a cow and a chicken?

It's white and it's brown.

Dad: Boy, come sit in this hole while I brace the ground.

Boy: I don't want to see Grandpa, he scares me!

You could hold your breath for the rest of your life.

Think about it.

I stood in front of the mirror. "Joseph, I will love and protect you forever," my dick cooed. I looked down at it, a single crystalline tear sliding down my face. I was at peace.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Hi Alex, you will probably not see this till the morning, but I just wanted to say I have had fun since you were here. Also, thank you so much for protecting me and being there for me. And yeah, have a good day!

Yo mama so fat that when she was on the moon, she had it sent right into the abyss of outer space.

Yo mama so fat, when she walked in the room, we missed three seasons of our show!