The jokes

Q: What did the ocean say to the boy?

A: Nothing! Oceans don't talk, silly!

Fineman, Einstein, and Schrodinger walked into a bar.

Fineman says, "It appears we're inside a joke."

Einstein says, "But only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously."

To which Schrodinger says, "If someone's looking through the window, I'm leaving!"

Why don't pirates take a bath before walking the plank?

'Cause they just wash up onshore.

When the ugliest cat looked at you, then you search up the ugliest thing in the world, you show up.

I asked a man if I was the fastest gun in the west. He said my 17 wasn't good enough. After that, a lot of lead went into his head.

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

I'll never forget my grampa's last words, "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

What company do orphans hate the most?

S. C. Johnson, a family company.

What did one plane say to the other? "Let's fly!"

I asked my mom what her biggest regret was for a project at school, and she said, "Oh, go look in the bathroom above the sink..." There was a mirror.

Why was the orphan's first phone an iPhone X?

"It has no home button."

Yo mama so fat, when she sat on the roof of a Walmart, it lowered the prices.

What was the score to the African basketball game? It was 8-0.

What's the difference between the woods and a hooker?

Some hookers have passions for nature. Other hookers will Kill ThEIR Tricks for payback!!!!!!

How come orphans know how to do laundry?

Cause that's usually the mom's job.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders turtle soup. The waiter hollers, "One turtle soup!"

A moment later, the guy calls the waiter over and says, "I’ve changed my mind, I would like pea soup." The waiter hollers, "Hold the turtle, and make it pea!"

What does the M and D in "orphan" stand for?

"Mum" and "Dad."

What's the difference between roast chicken and pea soup?

You can roast chicken.

What time does a duck wake up? At the quack of dawn.

What do a brand new house, me, and new jewelry box have in common?

We're all empty on the inside.