The jokes

Madeline McCann must have been homeless or something, she was sure eager for the free candy.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because she wanted to have an affair with the rooster.

Tell the person next to you to spell "me." When they do, say, "You forgot the D." They should respond with, "There is no D in ME." You say, "Not yet." If this does not go as planned, well, then you are fucked for life.

Why shouldn't orphans get a phone?

They would get stuck in an app because they can't find the home button.

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

Be smart, not stupid.

Where would the next Formula race happen?

Answer: On your flat chest.

Q: What's the difference between a suicide vest and a feminist?

A: At least one does something when it is triggered.

What is an orphan's favorite movie?

"Meet the Family."

Yo mom's so old, she went into the museum and walked out with a raise.

Yo mama so stupid, she ate the Apple phone you gave her.

You ever notice that the USA could be a part of Russia?

RUSSIA US A

Your hairline is the reason why some women have miscarriages.

Your mom is so fat that the photographer had to go to the moon just to click the photo of her belly button.

Why did the blonde have sex with the Mexican?

Because her teacher told her she had to do an essay.

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

I was sitting in traffic the other day.

Probably why I got run over.

Your dad died of hunger on the journey to find the milk.

Yo mama is so fat, when she's walking down the street, there are cracks all over the sidewalk.

I saw a kid crying, sitting on the sidewalk, and I asked him where his parents were. He then cried even more. God, I love working at the orphanage.

I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.

But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"