The jokes
My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.
I read the chapter of numbers, but nowhere did I ever see your number.
Why did the rapper carry an UMBRELLA?
Because he heard there was a 50% chance of "Lil Wayne."
Wanna play dolls?
I can be Ken, and you can be the box I come in.
Why did the rapper cross the road?
To drop some STREET KNOWLEDGE on the other side.
Memes
What did the drunk emo say to the bartender?
Nothing, she was hung over.
A kid asks Trump:
Kid: "Where are the confidential files?"
Trump: "There they are, bud!"
What's the difference between your dad and grocery shopping?
He didn't come back with the milk.
Why did the rapper go to the seafood restaurant?
Because he heard they had PHAT BASS.
Why did the rapper go to the auto shop?
To get his RHYMES in TUNE.
What's the difference between me and cancer?
Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.
What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
Throw in some laundry...
BlessedBrian's family reunions must be like a casting call for the Addams Family.
Who is the oldest Dave?
Daveon.
Who is the least young Dave?
Dave-on.
Eons it takes to Daveon the haters.
Why did Daveon go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling "Daveon" in the dumps.
How many Daveons does it take to change a lightbulb? None, he prefers to stay in the dark.
Why did Daveon get fired from his job at the orange juice factory? Because he couldn't concentrate.
Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.
I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."