Stand up jokes
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..." The room was full of arm amputees.
Why didn't Steven Hawkins get into fights?
'Cause he couldn't stand up for himself.
A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.
This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"
"Of course," she says.
The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"
The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"
What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?
"This is a stand-up."
Why couldn’t the bike stand up?
Because it was “two tired”!
Some say Stephen Hawking couldn't stand up for himself 😂
Stephen Hawking tried comedy.
His first line ruined it. "You know what I can't stand? Let me rephrase that, you know what? I can't stand."
If Stephen Hawking got into a fight, he could not stand up for himself.
One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one, then he/she should stand up.
After a minute, a boy stands up.
The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he's an idiot.
The boy says, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand-up.
It’s sad because with all these mean jokes Stephen hawkings can’t even Stand up for himself
Friend: If you don't like my bad jokes, I will tell some stand up comedy.
Me: But you are not standing:)
Stephen Hawking is a real stand up guy, out-standing performance.
Imagine Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady but could not stand up.
You guys should be ashamed of yourselves, making fun of the disabled. After all, they can't stand up for themselves.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.