Stand up jokes

A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.

To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."

He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.

I was in a public bathroom in a handicap stall, and when I got out, a handicapped man told me that I was an a**hole. I told him, "Bet you won't stand up and say that to my face," and then he broke down.

Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.

Me: Nah, it's just two tired.

Apparently Steven Hawking was a stand-up kind of guy.

Why do you make fun of disabled people?

They can't stand up for themselves.

Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: *no one stands up* Teacher: Oh c'mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *waves her finger around the left side of the room* Little Johnny: *stands up* Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you're standing alone.

I should be ashamed of myself for making all these jokes at the expense of the disabled! After all, they can't even stand up for themselves.

What type of comedy can't Steven Hawking do?

Stand-up comedy.

Yo mama so tall!!! When she wakes up from her bed, she stands up and finds NASA beside her face, and she thinks it's a fly!!!

I always hated being born a Catholic as a kid. The way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over, and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church. I was always thinking, “For God’s sake, just pick a position and fuck me!”

What's the difference between Chaplin and a politician in a wheelchair?

Chaplin does stand-up comedy, and the politician does sit-down... comedy.

Why did people bully Steven Hawking?

Because he couldn't stand up for himself.

Why is Stephen Hawking a bad husband?

Because he doesn't stand up for his wife.

Why did the disabled kid keep getting bullied?

He couldn’t stand up for himself.

What if Stephen Hawking was the Real Slim Shady, but no one knew because he couldn't stand up?

Stephen Hawking has enough money to stand up, but can’t grab the money.

A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."

The room was full of arm amputees.

Why didn't Steven Hawkins get into fights?

'Cause he couldn't stand up for himself.

A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.

This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"

"Of course," she says.

The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"

The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"

What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?

"This is a stand-up."