Stand up

Stand up jokes

A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."

The room was full of arm amputees.

  • 4
  • Why didn't Steven Hawkins get into fights?

    'Cause he couldn't stand up for himself.

    One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one, then he/she should stand up.

    After a minute, a boy stands up.

    The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he's an idiot.

    The boy says, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

  • 9
  • It’s sad because with all these mean jokes Stephen hawkings can’t even Stand up for himself

    Friend: If you don't like my bad jokes, I will tell some stand up comedy.

    Me: But you are not standing:)

    You guys should be ashamed of yourselves, making fun of the disabled. After all, they can't stand up for themselves.

  • 5
  • A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:

    Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"

    Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"

    Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"