Stand up jokes
Someone telling a joke:
Boy: "My parents are dead."
Girl: "My grandad is too."
Orphan who listened to it: "That joke is dead!"
Person who told the joke: "So is your family!"
I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.
Why are feminists jealous of men?
Because men don't have to stand up to piss.
Why do people in wheelchairs get bullied? Because they can never stand up for themselves.
Why does Stephen Hawking only do one-liners?
Because he can’t do stand up.
Why did the people think Stephen Hawking was disrespectful?
'Cause he didn't stand up for the national anthem.
Q: What do the St. Louis Rams and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell, “Jesus Christ.”
Me: I want to be a stand-up comedian.
Friend: You have to be able to stand up.
Why couldn't Professor Xavier fight Magneto? Because he couldn't stand up for himself.
There are 4 people in a line. Three stand up and say "We are standing up for cancer," and then there's the one in the wheelchair.
Yo man, stand up.
*short person stands*
No, seriously man, stand up!
Why do disabled people always get picked on?
Because they can’t stand up for themselves.
The teacher asks her class, "What is sex?" and Little Jonny stands up and says, "Sex is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl's destination. Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?" and the teacher fainted.
Why would a dead guy lie?
Because he can't stand up.
Teacher: "Stand up, class!"
She is sitting down.
Teacher: "Whoever stands up is stupid!"
haha why couldn't the bike stand up because it was too tired.
I ran into a dwarf and he said: "Well, I’m not Happy."
Then which one are you?
It's so sad that Stephen Hawking can't stand up for himself.
Why was Stephen Hawking always bullied?
Because he couldn’t stand up for himself.
My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.